A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see
right through them..

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm
them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are
pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have

+ 20 C - Greeks put on sweaters (if they can find them)
+ 15 C - Hawaiians turn on the heaters (if they have them)
+ 10 C - Americans shake, Russians are planting cucumbers.
+ 5 C - You can see your own breathing. Italian cars don't start. Norwegians take a bath. Russians drive with lowered windows.
0 C - Water freezes in America, in Russia it thickens.
- 5 C - French cars don't start.
- 10 C - You're planning a vacation to Australia.
- 15 C - Your cat insists to sleep in your bed. Norwegians put on sweaters.
- 18 C - New York landlords turn on the heaters. Russians make their last seasonal picnic.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says:

"OK, now what?"

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

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When i was about 10 years old, one sunday my family and i went to church, i believe it was easter sunday, so you can imagine how crowded it was . For some reason, i kept running up and down the church steps. my mother kept telling me to stop but i was a hard headed child and then it happened, I fell down the stairs, face down, my dress was up and exposing my underwear and all i did was lay there, i was so embrassed , that i froze and i couldnt move, my mother and grandmother was trying to get me up and i wasnt moving i was too embrassed then finally the pastor of the church stopped talking to the people and came over there to see if i was hurt but when he realized i was just embrassed, he gave me a lecture on disobeying my mother as i laid on the steps, face down!

Once when I was about 13, I made the huge mistake of eating a ton of Halloween candy in one sitting. My mom kept saying, don’t eat it all, you’ll get sick, it will give you a bellyache...on and on, you know how moms talk to their kids. Well, you guessed it; I woke up the next morning with my tummy feeling a little out of sorts. I didn’t want anyone to know I felt bad because I didn’t want to admit my mom was right. So I ignored it and went about business as usual. Mom had cooked this big sausage and egg breakfast and I ate it as best I could then got on the bus to school. By the time I got to school I had the worst bellyache of my life and felt more than a little queasy.

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